You probably immediately associated yourself with one of the above. It’s also likely other people flew into your head too.
These are often terms used to describe many women when it comes to the assertiveness spectrum. At one end, the doormat, people pleaser, very passive person. At the other, the alpha female bitch from hell, the bossy & demanding woman, the aggressive person. The diva is an interesting one. Many people take pride in being labelled a diva but in the assertive stakes it’s not a compliment or a pleasant or attractive quality. A Diva being defined as a self important person who is temperamental and difficult to please. Someone that is acting as entitled or holier than thou. A spoilt woman who wants things her own way and bosses people around.
For me this is all about Power.
And it’s an important element when it comes to how you ‘Woman Up’ if you’re following this series of mine.
The doormats and people pleasers lack power. The divas and the AFBFH let power go to their heads and it’s the wrong kind of power.
Generally speaking, there’s 2 types of power – positional power and personal power.
Positional power is to do with authority and hierarchy. The structure or the circumstance gives you power for yourself and over other people. It violates other people’s boundaries and rights.
Personal power is the ability to influence people and events without formal authority. Personal power is more of a person’s attitude or state of mind rather than an attempt to maneuver or control others. Its primary aim is self-mastery: competence, vision, positive personal (human) qualities, and service. There is a clear respect of ones own boundaries and those of other people.
Positional power can be seen by a badge, a sign on a door etc. Personal power can’t be seen but it can be felt by you and everyone around you. Personal power plays a big part in our ability to be successful and happy. It also helps us get what we want, feel safe, and remain confident that we are playing a part in this world and not that the world is playing us.
People with personal power don’t need to shout about what they want, and they rarely make people feel inadequate or unappreciated. They have a way of being comfortable in their own skin, believing what they believe, and confidently saying their own opinions while being able to respect and honour others without feeling threatened.
So it’s plain to see how personal power lends itself to being truly assertive. As a reminder, assertiveness is the careful blend of consideration and courage – the ability to first listen to understand and work hard to satisfy the wants and needs of someone else. Then secondly, have the courage to state your own wants and needs and request that they be met too.
The assertive bill of rights really helps to demonstrate what this might look like in terms of mindset & behaviours:
The bill of assertive rights….
1. I have the right to have and express opinions, views and ideas, which may or may not be different from other people’s – and so do you.
2. I have the right to have these opinions, views & ideas listened to & respected (not necessarily agreed with or ‘put on a pedestal’, but accepted as being valid for you) – and so do you
3. I have the right to have needs & wants that may be different from other people’s – and so do you
4. I have the right to ask (not demand) that others respond to my needs & wants – and so do you
5. I have the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty or selfish – and so do you
6. I have the right to have feelings & to express them assertively if I so choose – and so do you
7. I have the right to be ‘human’ (to be wrong sometimes) – and so do you
8. I have the right to decide not to assert myself (to choose not to raise a particular issue) – and so do you
9. I have the right to be true to my own self; this may be the same as, or different from, what others would like me to be (it includes choosing friends, interests etc.) – and so do you
10. I have the right to have others respect my rights – and so do you
If this has struck a chord with you, either as a people pleaser with zero power, or a diva with overplayed positional power and you’d like to make some adjustments and move into the personal power space to ‘Woman Up! Then here’s my top tips:
- Lighten up ffs! (And have some fun)
- Learn to REALLY listen (to solely understand, not to prepare your next response)
- Have bouncebackability – this is about resilience, tenacity, perseverance and grit. Don’t throw the towel in at the first hurdle or sign of it getting a bit hard or tricky.
When you embrace your personal power, it will likely have an impact on:
- Your work
- Your personal life
- Your goals
- Your friends
- Your business colleagues
- Your happiness
- Your health
When you find your personal power, own it.
If you’d like to take action and do the work on your personal power, get your name on the waitlist to receive details once released of my autumn Woman Up 8 week group coaching programme: https://www.subscribepage.com/womanup